


You were such an idol, you were the whole world

by Coldfrenchfries



Series: pilots [1]
Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: F/F, M/M, other than that it's just Asuka thinking about a lot, she's got her gf though so it's not all bad, there's some trauma related stuff in here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:02:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28250574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coldfrenchfries/pseuds/Coldfrenchfries
Summary: A nightmare causes Asuka to reflect on the person she's grown to be.
Relationships: Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu, Makinami Mari Illustrious/Souryuu Asuka Langley, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: pilots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2163150
Comments: 5
Kudos: 21





	You were such an idol, you were the whole world

**Author's Note:**

> I thought I would write this since the Eva brain rot has been going strong since I rewatched the series lol. Also, this takes place in an au where Asuka and the other kids actually age like they're supposed to. I uh didn't like the whole curse of Eva thing that was brought up in the rebuild series. So! they're all grown up now in this. Anyway, this show means a lot to me, and I did project onto Asuka a little bit so hopefully I did her and the original series justice.
> 
> (Title I stole from the song pretty by girlpool)

Nightmares were always the worst. 

Asuka felt the familiar sensation of her heartbeat threatening to rip itself out of her chest. Her heart was loud in her head. Every breath she took, every tactic she tried to reassure herself that she was here, that she was alive seemed to fail miserably. She groaned and buried her face in her pillow, desperately trying not to let the tears stinging her eyes break every part of what made her, _her_. 

She was too old to be having nightmares. Too old to be crying like a child. Too old to be feeling like this after so long. No. No, that kind of thinking was a product of the past. Her fourteen-year-old self would have told her to suppress everything that made her feel weak, but she wasn’t that girl anymore. 

That girl had been gone for a while now. 

Now, a woman stood in her place.

It took some time for Asuka to get past the mindset that had held her hostage ever since her mother’s passing. But it happened. Somehow, through letting people in, through allowing herself to speak, allowing herself to cry- it happened. It sounded so sappy now that she thought about it. Really, it did. Even now, she felt a bit embarrassed at how effective having people around was. 

Her younger self would have hated it. Asuka could hear the young girl screaming to not let anyone in. A small part of her constantly screamed in a broken voice that this would be her downfall. That breaking down her walls would destroy her. After all, vulnerability led to nothing but pain, right? 

Asuka took a breath and let herself fall apart. She looked up at the ceiling as quiet hiccups and sobs began to shake her to her core. Even now, even after she had grown up into an adult, she still had trouble allowing herself the intense emotional response she so desperately needed. Her tears came out slowly, and maybe they always would come out like that. 

It didn’t really matter though. Her tears meant that she was human.

A soft groan next to her made her flinch. Her heart raced as her brain filtered through ways she could protect herself from the potential enemy. Being an Eva pilot does that to you. Even if the angel attacks have grown less common in the last few years, even if she and the other pilots were grown, there was still a part of her that was always on edge. That part of her was always ready for battle.

She blinked. No, this wasn’t an enemy. It wasn’t some war that needed to be won. Asuka sighed and brushed Mari’s bangs away from her eyes before the tiniest of smiles began to break through. She considered leaving a kiss on her forehead but decided against it. She’d rather be affectionate when Mari was awake. The rare moments where Asuka stole a kiss made the other woman’s eyes brim over with stars. She loved seeing that. She loved so many things about Mari, but it’s not like she would ever admit that. It was okay if she didn’t voice her admiration all the time. Mari knew that Asuka felt the same way. Asuka loved that about her too. 

As she went back to looking up at the ceiling, she thought about Shinji. Her nose wrinkled with disgust. It was a reflex at this point. Even if they’ve grown together, she couldn’t help but find him a little annoying. Oh well, finding him to be a nuisance was a definite improvement from screaming, _“I hate you! I hate you so much I could die!”_

Shinji, he’s grown up. Gone was the boy who would do anything for his father to look his way. Gone was the person with who Asuka shared her first kiss simply because she was bored. It was all gone. Maybe gone wasn’t the right word? No, there was still a piece of his fourteen-year-old self that lived in the depths of his heart. It was the same situation with Asuka. It was the same with Rei and Mari and Kaworu too. 

The beginnings of their time as pilots would be etched in their bodies and souls forever. The good and the bad experiences would be in them. That was how memories worked; that was how trauma worked as well. The memories threatened to kill Asuka. It threatened to kill Shinji as well. 

But then Kaworu spared him from the execution that the memories held. Just like Mari spared her. Funny how love could help with those things. Asuka internally rolled her eyes at how sappy she felt. 

It wasn’t just love that cured the scars on her heart though. It was so much work to get to be the person she was today. The road seemed endless, and maybe it was. Maybe the end would be forever out of her reach. But she had come a long way. 

The girl who cried for her mother, the teenager who tore angels apart in her beloved Unit 02, and the woman who fell in love for the first time- they all helped get her here. 

Asuka looked over at Mari and wiped the last of her tears before the calm stillness of the night lured her to sleep. 


End file.
